Getting
into a new relationship can be really exciting. But it can also be stressful,
if you're putting too much pressure on the partnership. If you have high
expectations in a relationship, it's important to make sure they're not too
high early on. This can help ensure the strength of your relationship in the
long run.
It's
possible to manage your expectations if you're worried they're getting extreme,
however. "Managing expectations in a new relationship is important because
it relieves pressure on yourself and the person you’re dating, allowing
opportunity to freely get to know someone and be in the present moment,"
Dr. Danielle Forshee, doctor of psychology and licensed clinical social worker,
tells Bustle. "When we don’t manage expectations, not only does this set
ourselves up for potential to misinterpret or respond negatively to our new
partner potentially creating conflict where there was originally no problem but
[it] also can create emotional distress for yourself." Instead, working to
have lower expectations can keep your relationship on a healthy course.
1. You
Expect Commitment Too Early On
While
it's fantastic to start a new relationship and agree on some level of
commitment, expecting immediate, complete commitment from someone within the
first weeks may be too high of an expectation.
"While
dating should be fun, it is also an evaluation process (one that takes longer
than most dating reality shows)," Schreiner says. "Each person may
move differently through that evaluation. Don't get impatient if they aren't
ready to be committed right away." It's important not to commit until both
partners are ready, and sometimes the timelines are a bit different.
2. You
Want Them To Spend All Their Free Time With You
As
you and your partner get more serious, you'll likely spend more time together.
If you expect your partner to commit to seeing you all the time, however, that
might be dangerous for the relationship.
"One
of the reasons your were likely attracted to this person in the first place is
they had a fun full life," Schreiner says. "You can't expect them to
drop all of their other interests in favor of you now just because you are
dating." Knowing that your partner has an active life outside the
relationship should be empowering, not worrisome.
3. You
Demand That You're Their #1 Priority
After
years of a relationship, you may become high on your partner's priority list.
Early on, however, family, friends, and career may still come first. And that's
alright.
"Loyalty
has to be earned in a new relationships," Schreiner says. "It is
unrealistic to expect that you partner will pick you over their family or
friends at the start of a relationship." Waiting for this kind of loyalty
to develop naturally is a healthier bet than forcing your partner to prioritize
you that much early on.
4. You
Assume Your Partner Is Perfect
You
may not yet understand everything about a partner early on in a relationship,
and that's OK. But it's important not to assume they are perfect, or
close-to-perfect, before you really know them well.
"Many
clients I work with got into relationships very quickly, and didn't know a lot
about their partners, so they 'filled in the blanks' about them with all kinds
of positive things," David Bennet, counselor and relationship expert at
Double Trust Dating, tells Bustle. " [W]hen you're in 'new relationship mode,'
your brain assumes the best about the person, and asks questions later."
If you don't know much about your partner, but still assume they're the best
person you've ever met, your expectations might be too high.
5. You
Don't See Any Flaws In The Relationship
Even
early in a relationship, you should be able to see some little flaws. If you
absolutely can't, or assume that those flaws shouldn't be there on principal,
then your expectations might be too high.
"Every
relationship will have flaws, just as every partner will have them,"
Bennett says. "Relationships survive by compromise, communication, and
working past the flaws and problems." If you go too long thinking your
relationship is flawless, you'll likely experience a letdown along the line.
6. You
Think Being In A Relationship Will Solve All Your Problems
Thinking
that being in a relationship will solve all your life's problems, or even a
chunk of them, then you are putting too much pressure on your partner.
A
relationship may help you feel happy and secure, but it cannot fix bigger
issues. "If you think being in a relationship with your new partner will
solve your problems, you have too high of expectations," Bennett says.
It's not that some problems are unsolvable, or that a partner can't help you
reach your goals, but it's important to know that a relationship is not a magic
cure.
7. You
Expect Them To Text Back Immediately
Just
like it's important not to expect your partner to always be able to hang out,
it's also important not to expect them to be constantly available to talk or
text.
"Everyone
has different expectation on response time in text messages," Dr. Forshee
says. "If you find yourself hinging on waiting for a response and feeling
increasingly emotionally distressed or insecure because your new partner isn’t
responding at the rate you expect, this is a sign your expectations are too
high." In a new relationship, it may take a bit of time to adjust and find
out what frequency makes most sense for the two of you two communicate.
In
the end, managing expectations won't compromise the quality of the
relationship; rather, it will keep your relationship stronger, longer.
"It's important to manage expectations because if you expect too much from
a relationship, you'll just be let down," Bennett says. "Real life
relationships, no matter how amazing, will always consist of ups-and-downs,
frustrations, and challenges. When you're in love with someone, your brain
chemistry creates all kinds of unrealistic expectations about that person, and
reality may be much different." So forgive yourself for wanting the best,
but forgive your partner as well.
Source: Online
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