Here are a few things NOT to say when your friend
is in a life crisis, along with suggestions for kind words that work in almost
every situation.
1. “I know exactly how you feel! Let me tell you
about the time … ”
We all need to know we are not alone. But while it
can be a good thing for your friend to know you’ve gone through something
similar, claiming to know just how your friend feels and shifting the spotlight
to you can minimize her personal experience. Her situation is as unique as she
is. After really listening, letting your friend know you’ve been through
something similar can be comforting. But keep your personal stories to a
minimum. Instead of shifting the focus to you, try saying, “I’m here for you.”
2. “This tragedy is for the best!”
There are many variations on this theme. They
include telling your friend her ex was always a jerk and she’ll be better off
without him, that her deceased loved one is happy now and that the swarm of
sharks that ate her beloved labradoodle was actually a blessing in disguise.
Remember the timeless scriptural advice to “mourn with those that mourn,” and
rather than immediately trying to cheer up a friend who’s facing a tragedy, sit
down and cry with her. Go through a box of tissues together and let her talk.
The words “I’m sorry. This is really hard,” are almost always welcome at times
like these.
3. “Let me know if there is anything I can do to
help!”
This is possibly the most well-intentioned and
simultaneously useless phrase ever uttered by good friends. We want to help.
Our hearts are breaking. But we have no idea what to do. Instead of placing the
burden of thinking of ways to help on your friend, take a moment to consider a
few options and make an offer. There are some common things good friends can do
to be truly helpful. “Do you need me to pick up a few groceries? Could I come
by and do a little house cleaning in the morning? Would you like me to pick up
the kids from school?” If you can see that your friend is feeling overwhelmed
but is resistant to accepting help, try saying, “Which would be most helpful—if
I grab a few groceries, do the laundry, or take the kids to the park? Your
pick.”
Read: Why self-inflicting emotional pain doesn’t
heal heartache
4. Nothing at all
Of everything we can say, saying nothing can
sometimes be the most painful response. When hard things happen, it’s easy to
think, “I don’t know what to say. I’ll just wait until she’s feeling better.”
Sometimes people don’t want to talk about what’s happening, but sometimes they
do. How can we know if they need space or a friend to listen? My mom worked for
years as the head of a local women’s organization and she shared with me a tip
she learned for knowing when it’s okay—and when it’s not okay—to talk to
someone about a difficult life situation. If they bring it up, even in passing,
it’s a topic they are open to, maybe even hoping to discuss. If your friend
mentions her divorce, her child in the ICU or the flood that wiped out her
home, she’s open to talking about it. Ask her how she’s holding up, and she
will be grateful to have a listening ear.
These few simple phrases—
“I’m here for you;”
“I’m so sorry. This is really hard;”
and, “Which would be most helpful?”—
combined with a listening ear allow us to “mourn
with those that mourn” and solidify friendships during life’s hardest times.
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